The Time I Thought I Cured My Stutter

Until I knew I didn’t

I, along with the other NSA Nterns hosted another zoom webinar last night. The topic for the evening was The College Experience. I’m feeling a little nostalgic after all that talk. A lot of changes occurred during my college experience (this is just everything that happened between 2015–2019) with my stuttering journey. There were a lot of high highs and a lot of low lows. But this is the story of when it all began. This is the story of how I convinced myself I no longer stuttered.

Photo by Jake Grella on Unsplash

Have you ever wanted something so bad that it actually comes true?

I think that’s exactly what I did.

I’m 18, and I just finished high school. I wasn’t exactly going straight to a 4-year but I was still moving no less. I was starting fresh. It was almost too freeing to be able to start new in a place where no one knew me.

And one of the things I decided was that I was no longer going to stutter.

Because my 18th birthday wish did not come true and I still woke up with a stutter, I had to face the fact that this is what the rest of my life will be. And that made me angry. But when I kept thinking about how I could transform myself when I got to college, I thought this could be it. This could be what I needed.

I was already pretty covert. I just needed the confidence. I needed the mind > body mentality. I told myself I could do it. When I went to bed at night I would see myself, fluent and thriving. That’s what it was:

fluent and thriving

So when I introduced myself, I never mentioned that I have a stutter

because why mention something that wasn’t there?

And it wasn’t.

It was the most bizarre awakening. This is what manifesting felt like!

I never felt so free

I felt so much lifted off of me. All the things that were holding me back like making friends, going to parties, having a social life, and just being myself, all felt possible.

Anything was possible.

I couldn’t believe that this was all that I had to do. I just had to convince myself enough that it was never there.

Nothing good lasts forever though right?

I’ll have to go back to my journal to see where it was. When was the moment in which I started to spiral?

To be honest, it doesn’t matter. The moment it did, however, I buckled. I started reeling. I thought this was the beginning of the end.

This was the moment when I realized that no matter what I did, it wasn’t just going to go away and the only way out of it was through.

Part of going through it was accepting the fact that I had a stutter.

The acceptance did not come until a few years later, but I did however have to first confess how I was a big fat liar.

I told my two closest roommates

Thankfully, they were understanding.
It took time with other people, but I mostly never said anything about it. Instead, my confidence dwindled. My anxiety increased. I was less active in class. I became who I always was. And my stuttering journey really started.

For a moment it was good. It was like a movie.

Like I had “one day” to be fluent and I did everything I ever wanted to do. I did everything that I felt like ever held me back from being my most authentic self. It felt good, great even.

I know I can get there again. I believe it. But first, I have to accept who I am, all the good and the bad, because I know I am capable. I’ve already seen it. I’ve already done it. And I am manifesting once again, that I am already there.

A 20-something who stutters and trying to figure out how to deal with it on top of adulting shenanigans and discovery