The Biggest Crush I Had Never Actually Existed
Dear Diary,
I have a confession to make: some of my biggest crushes were illusions.
They were a mirage on the horizon that I believed in for so long.
It’s crazy, right? No really, it is probably borderline insane. How could I not only develop a crush on someone that I’ve barely spoken to but for it to grow in such intensity that they are the only person I think about until I’ve moved on?
I did this ~quaratine project~ where I listed all the boys I’ve loved before. And I mean everyone dating back to elementary school. Perhaps I’ll get into why I did that for another blog. But when I scan the list some of the ones that too me years to get over were ones that I barely spoke too.
Why?
Because I fantasized about someone that wasn’t there in the first place.
Take *Luke for example. I met Luke back in 1st grade I believe. I fell in love with him at first sight. He was incredible in every way: wicked smart, creative, athletic (mans could run laps), weird in a way to match my weirdness, and so kind. The teachers loved him. Girls adored him. And I could not get enough.
He left my elementary school in 4th grade.
I didn’t know where he went or why he left. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever see him again. I don’t even remember now if I ever said goodbye. I also never told him how I felt for those three years.
The only memories I had of him were ones that we shared. Small but strong. Some field trips, lunches, small conversations, birthdays, whatever.
I held onto those memories and let them run wild for years.
My best friend who knew him since the beginning started asking me why I couldn’t let him go after 2 years, 4 years, 7 years and I couldn’t tell her why at the moment.
Over time, I fabricated everything about him: who he was now, what he looked like. It was no longer the Luke I knew, but the Luke that I wanted for all those years.
I saw him every so often throughout the years and my heart would leap out of my chest. And in 2019 I finally let him go.
I finally saw the person for who he was. And after a decade of imagining this perfect person, letting him go was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done for any of my crushes.
It was incredibly cathartic. A part of me at that point wished that I could’ve interacted with him sooner to have that disillusion or found a way to move on.
It made me realize that nothing is more powerful in my mind than my imagination. And while his inexistence in my life never took control of my own pursuit of love and happiness, I realized how dangerous it could be to idealize someone to such a degree.
The mind is a powerful thing. So before you pick up that flower and rip off the petals and ask, “does he love me or does love me not,” check-in with yourself on how much you really know them.
