So maybe I don’t know who I am: Being a Gemini: Part 1
Ah, the Gemini. May 21-June 20. If you know anything about horoscopes or have heard the bare minimum, Gemini’s are known for being the two-sided bitch. It’s not the most flattering stereotype to be remembered by. But to summarize the sign’s domineering aspect, we are viewed as such because you never know what side you’re gonna get.
Cafe Astrology states their duality:
The sign of Gemini is thought to be very adaptable and flexible, sometimes to the point of “being” two different personalities.
However, according to Astrology.com are dual personalities can be costly:
Shape-shifting and change feel natural for them, but it may leave others with an uncanny feeling that they never know who the Gemini native really is. This can give this sign the reputation for being non-committal, flaky, or even untrustworthy.
I’m starting to understand what they mean.
Now I can admit that I don’t think I fully know/understand who I am
I think at the ripe old age of 24 that is a very self-aware thing to say. Yet, I’ve always been in a constant struggle with who I am and quite literally what version of myself do I present that is actually me?
Writing these blogs has really opened my eyes to unpacking my life and my identity and one of the things I realized about myself at an early age was how deceivingly different I was inside vs outside of the classroom. Inside, I was quiet. I didn’t raise my hand. I avoided asking for help. I would be the odd kid out if we had to choose a partner for an assignment because everyone had a friend except me. Outside of class? I was sociable. I could easily defeat the boys in kickball, handball, or prisoner. I was the leader of a whole girl squad (+ one guy). I wasn’t popular, but people on the playground knew me. Yet, if a teacher saw me outside of class with such sociable behavior they would be shocked. This persona continued throughout grade school, even through high school. Teachers and peers alike would look at me and say, Asia? Asia did that? Asia said that? Of all people? There’s no way!?
It almost felt…good?
I would think about in high school I could talk to most of the posse’s and hang out with them for lunch if I wanted to. I had no problem striking the right cord or blending in in such ways to fit in.
But then I started to have a hard time answering the question of:
If all these people were in the room with me, which one would I show?
Who would be disappointed? Who would be upset?
I’ve found myself writing in my journal on the inner turmoil of my wheel of fortune personality. I shape-shift, I adapt so well sometimes that I don’t end up knowing my own color. And then I get confronted by those who start to know me more with statements like:
- Are you okay Asia? You’re always so talkative?
- What’s up with you today? You’re always so bubbly.
They think that I’m always sociable. That I’m always talkative or full of energy. And it only takes for it to be a pattern for one to suggest that it could be the truth.
And that is me
But that also isn’t me
I am that girl that sits alone in the classroom. That finds obscure hiding places on campus to people watch or reflect.
That is also me.
I think I figured out why I still don’t really know who I am
If you were to make an Asia and it asked for specific ingredients, I don’t know what the measurements would be.
Would it be 2 parts sarcasm, 1 part introvert, and 1/2 cup of a social butterfly? Is there more? Is there less?
I don’t know. I truly don’t.
And that scares me.
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