my coworker gave me flowers

Because he’s never seen the real me before

Let me tell you something about myself that I’ve been having trouble explaining well.

In a previous blog, I mentioned how I have a different kind of energy at work. It is one that is more energetic, more sociable, and just overall the more extroverted side of me. It is in fact me, but it is simply another version of myself.

Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

However, when you meet me in this state you are brought by such a personality that I am always afraid when a coworker meets me outside of work. I am not as extroverted. I am not as “on” all the time. In fact, I can comfortably sit in silence. I like to look out the window. I need to recharge. Just some of the many characteristics of being more introverted than people believe.

The confusion lies in a situation like this one that led to my coworker giving me flowers.

If someone from work sees that I am not in the state of joy they always see me in, they immediately assume that I am not okay.

It’s not their fault. This is the only state of being they’ve seen me in. But that is what worries me.

I don’t know why I cannot be more of my authentic self in spaces such as work. Why do I have to be at a 9 instead of a 6?

I have still yet to figure that out. And in each new work setting, I keep it in mind and suddenly it just goes out the window.

Which leads to this situation like this

This is what he was actually seeing: I get in moods sometimes. I was fine coming into work and it turned like a dime. And I could not seem to mask it well enough today for it to not be noticed.

So it looked like I had extremely low energy. Nothing particularly phased me. Nothing excited me. I was going through the motions. When people asked I would just say, “my depression is showing” or “i’m more depressed than usual.”

I know I’m confusing and I know I am difficult to understand, especially when I can’t figure it out either.

I’m working on it.

But I will say, his thoughtfulness to give me flowers meant everything to me.

No one has given me flowers before. Sure I’ve gotten flowers for graduation or something like that, but just out of kindness? Never. I was left speechless.

This token however as thoughtful as it is scared me. It showed me how different I present to people at work. While we all have our moments, I am consistently presenting one kind of way. So when they see me as anything else, the alarms start to go off.

And that in itself, is in fact, alarming.

A 20-something who stutters and trying to figure out how to deal with it on top of adulting shenanigans and discovery