I Shut Down Every Time I Have to Do This
Repeating myself is the #1 Pet Peeve I have acquired because of my stutter.
Having to repeat myself is physically exhausting. The reason why it is my biggest pet peeve as a PWS is because 9/10 I will stutter more on what I said the second time than the first time.
This is twofold.
If someone asks me to repeat what I said, I will more likely stutter on it.
However, if I am the one to repeat myself and start over then I am less likely to stutter.
I don’t know why that is. I’m sure anxiety has something to do with it. Picture this: you are practicing lines perfectly in rehearsal but once its showtime, you falter. It was perfect then! And no one saw you nail it. This is me.
My family would say that I’m soft-spoken, although I feel like I’ve improved over the past several years. This does not help my case. I am quite fluid “under my breath,” so if I have to repeat myself, there’s something about the amplified volume that makes me block. (This is one reason why I hate talking with a mask, but that’s for a different entry). For this very reason, I have tried to raise my voice in hopes I would not fall prey to this dilemma, but so far the issue remains.
Secondly, no one seems to have patience. I can admit that I don’t either. I have tried to adapt to the fast-paced conversational society. Some days I can keep up. When I can’t, I fear that they will walk away during my block, and the moment is lost.
For me, I feel a wave of humiliation. I feel like a child being chastised. Instead of speaking up, I want to shut down. Sometimes I do shut down. Sometimes I simply walk away or say never mind and move the conversation forward. Moments are fleeting and so is my confidence. I struggle to remain firm, to “keep calm and carry on.” But I’m not there yet. A part of me, in those moments of defeat, I cower in a corner, hoping that I’ll have the strength to push through next time.
