I Just Realized I Can Wear Whatever the Hell I Want

Sorry Mom

Photo by Tyler Kaslik on Unsplash

It wasn’t until I was in the Marshall’s dressing room the other day putting on a second pair of men’s cargo shorts and loving the fit that I looked at myself in the mirror and had the revelation of, “I can walk out like this. I can wear whatever the hell I want.”

I proceeded to buy the shorts and wear them out the next day looking like a chic boy scout.

I loved every second of it.

…

The last time I bought clothes in the boy's section was 11 years ago

I was 9 or 10 at my dad’s house at the time. We went to Target and I wandered into the boys section looking at the convertible pants and the basic t-shirts they had in stock. I knew I had to get it, especially the convertible pants?? With pockets?? How could you not?! It was around that time where I really didn’t like to wear any sort of denim pant because they were uncomfortable, so this was a pretty good compromise.

The next week, I bring some of those clothes over to my mom’s house.

Big mistake.

Her jaw drops at my outfit choice. She goes on to yell at me about how ugly it looks, how I need to take it off and blames my father for dressing me in boy's clothes and trying to turn me into a boy. While my parents were not speaking back then, this warranted a stern conversation when next week’s exchange happened.

She didn’t realize that this was my choice. That I wanted to wear these clothes, not because I wanted to be a boy, but because they were comfortable. And while I was tomboy at heart, I wasn’t really adamant about dressing like one to prove that. I- just- did- me.

Just my humble opinion, but I think my mom was afraid I’d be gay or something. *laughs*

So after that, I only wore those clothes at my dad’s house, but eventually, they were in the donation pile not too long after that. My dad felt bad. He knew that made me happy.

The clothing theme for the rest of my adolescence could be characterized as mild tomboy/minimal girl. It was a miracle if you got me in a dress or wore pink. I loved my combat boots and my muscle tanks. It was always some kind of celebration if I conformed more the gender norm that day. Regardless, every outfit was criticized.

I’ve had a fashion crisis since I was 15

I didn’t know how to best express myself. I wore clothes that I liked but I didn’t love. I wanted to feel good and I just didn’t know what that looked like. I’ve dabbled around certain styles to figure it out but I believe I have come down to two conclusions:

1. I want to be able to wear anything I want and be confident in wearing
   I don’t want to be limited by what I can wear. I want to be confident in wanting to wear full boho one day and an androgynous look the next day then t
2. I love the more masc look
   Powersuits, the blazer with sneakers, bomber jackets, the joggers with a crop top, trousers with a graphic tee, you name it. I think it is powerful. I think it is sexy while also being incredibly comfortable. And if there is anything you know at this point, I like to be comfortable and also looking good.

I don’t care about labels. I don’t care if I offend someone (a you problem) if you don’t think I look feminine enough. If I love the way it looks on me and it makes me feel good then I’m going to wear it.

You know when I actually realized I could wear whatever I wanted? I got a sweater of Captain America with embroidered writing of “America’s Ass” and my mother could do nothing about it.

And I thought to myself, I could get used to this.

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