“I just don’t love you anymore”
And is there an underlying meaning if your partner says that
I was anxious that whole day. My high school boyfriend at the time wasn’t communicating well at all or for the past few days in fact. I was getting so anxious that I went over to my friend's house in hopes that her presence would calm me down. When he finally responded back on how we weren’t going to work out and I replied back why he said:
“I don’t love you anymore”
And I broke.
I dropped my phone and crumbled to the ground writhing in anger and agony, over a relationship that I knew would never last, over a man that I would eventually go months without thinking about. But at that moment,
he crushed me.
…
Fast forward seven years later, I get a message from one of my old high school friends. The first shock was that her four-year relationship had just ended. The second and bigger shock was how.
Her partner, eventually, had said: “I just don’t love you anymore.”
When she told me those words it brought me back to laying on the floor with uncontrollable heartache and utter rage.
My current rage was obvious: why would someone say such a horrible thing to someone they (use) to love like that?
- Right off the bat, I want to say that men are simply the problem. But I know that there has to be more of an explanation than just the male sex in this case so let us try to look more outward (or inward) here.
I believe at its core, it is almost the easiest thing to say. It is the cop-out. It is the “dog ate my homework.” And as brutal as it is (please for the love of God don’t break someone like this), I think this quick escape is an easy suggestion.
Think about it: if the whole basis of your romantic relationship is loving someone and then you fall out of love with them, well…
in most monogamous, normative-based relationships, that would be the end of things I suppose. In this scenario, what other reason would make you stay if not for love?
I’ll note this later but remember: if this is a cop-out, remember not only what you are losing because of it but who you are hurting from such violent words.
Perhaps they also just don’t have another excuse
- I believe the first reason and this one is in tandem. While the first reason is a cop-out, the other is a deep-rooted explanation that they simply do not have at the moment.
They are in deepwater. They have some inner turmoil that they cannot figure out for the life of them. So I assume that the first thing that they need to do is to get out of the relationship (if the relationship is not already in danger, to begin with). How do they get out? Well, they say, “I just stopped loving you.”
Now the relationship could have all sorts of problems that neither of you has realized. That is not to say that that wasn’t there, to begin with. But do you have to say I don’t love you anymore, to severe such deep-rooted ties?
If you are thinking about ending things, really think if there is a better way to say it. There is always another way. And if you truly feel as if you fell out of love with this person, please just say anything else other than I just don’t love you anymore.
The people who hurt the most are those you leave behind
I went into the sunken place of negative self-esteem, self-love, guilt, and identity issues after *Ralph told me those words. But more importantly, I was afraid I’d never love again. I was afraid I couldn’t ever be vulnerable again. To love someone whether it was 6 months or 4 years just to feel as if the rug was pulled out under you, you start to ask: What was real? When did they start feeling this? Is it me? What could I have done?
It is a horrible feeling and you, the heartbreaker, might not realize the pain that they’re going through to realize how much of it is really your fault. They are not the problem. You just put them in the crossfire of your own issues.
The heartbreaker also might say such words to end the relationship only realizing that the underlying reasons were of no such thing but of something entirely within themselves. And the relationship did not have to end!
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Unless they are some obvious red flags, I think the heartbreaker has a lot more on their mind than what they’re letting on with such a statement. If you ask how or want closure they might not have a good answer for you. They might not even know yet. But if you’re on the other side of those words, just know that I understand how you feel. It's a sentence that harnesses indescribable pain.
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I never got the closure. Not really.
I found out that Ralph was gay before the end of high school. Maybe that was the reason why. If anything, I’m glad he figured himself out. But how he said it still hurt.
