I have been single for the last 5 years, here are 5 things I’ve learned about myself
Shortened Version
My significant other and I broke up approximately 5 years ago on the day. Well, around this time, the Snapchat flashbacks featuring my emotional selfies are resurfacing. Man was I going through it. I wrote in my journal if I could ever be friends with him five years later. To think about where we are now would be shocking to that girl five years ago. But she’d also be in denial to hear how much present me has learned since.
1. Just because they are the first available does not mean that they are meant for you
I have a list of nearly every person I have ever liked, graphed out to who I was head over heels for to a mild crush, filtered down to who I asked out, what I did to get their attention, and finally, who either rejected me or friend-zoned me.
And I gotta tell ya,
the amount of no’s is in the 97th percentile.
So fast forward to about 2 years ago. At this point I’ve graduated, a pandemic has “passed” and I’m in a new city. I haven’t been on an app since 2019.
Suddenly however I’m starting to get attention?
And like the clown I am, someone had to sit me down from saying yes to all of them.
I buckled on a few, and those stories have been told, but they left scars on me.
These men had a genuine interest, a compelling one. And although I was not as entirely compelled, I went for it
because they were the only ones in line.
But I have to remind myself that just because they are the first available does not mean they are right for you.
And that person could be blocking you from the one who is right for you.
We all crave some type of attention and I hopped on the train from the initial first taste. Throughout your time together you shouldn’t have to accept that certain things will just be the way they are, you can’t (nor shouldn’t) wait for someone to change, or have workarounds and compromises that aren’t compromises. You should be able to be and coexist and love each other through all their moments and grow together.
It is easy to be afraid that if you aren’t with that person there won’t be anyone else, but there will be, and don’t let yourself get in the way of that.
2. I know who I am (better) without someone
We all know someone who is a serial dater. I have several in my life. And as confident as they think they know themselves, they don’t.
You won’t learn, or grow, to discover who you are until you are alone.
And people are terrified to be alone.
When I think of relationships, so much of it becomes bound and wound and when it is over, one of the fabrics to unravel is your identity.
How much is you and how much is the person you were with anymore?
You have to learn who you are again
And so you fix, improve, redraw the map for the next one, the next version of you, as if you’re the next iPhone model.
It’s all too much and too soon.
For me? I don’t say I take myself out on dates, I simply just do things on my own. That’s how far I’ve come along. I go to movies, to dinner, to concerts now. Having someone there 9/10 is a suggestion, not a requirement. I know what I like and what I need (still a work in progress), but I love it.
I’m not saying you can’t run the race, just slow down. If the timing is right, go for it, but at the end of the day all you have is yourself,
learn to find out who that truly is.
3. I am terrified of being in a relationship
I know you’re sitting here now mad at me because I just preached all this self-love and patience is a virtue crap but hear me out.
Some might say I have commitment issues which I’m not ruling out but I would be lying to you if I said I wouldn’t pass up the perfect person walked into my life right now.
I can’t say I am afraid of getting hurt because anyone who I date leaves a mark on me for at least 3–5 years minimum.
I can’t say I don’t want a relationship because I do.
But to me, I have become so grossly independent that I’m not sure what to do with myself if there is someone else in my life. I learned so much consequential learning that I know I can apply what I’ve learned, but I think it’s the fear of falling all over again, so deeply, that if it ends how much will I lose myself again? And if I am not strong enough, how much of the identity I’ve discovered within myself I might lose?
The water looks so beautiful but I don’t know how deep it is
and if I can swim again.
4. Situationships are my toxic trait
What happens when you don’t commit to a relationship? A ~situationship~ is born.
To be fair, I’ve only had (currently have? do you see the problem here) one thus far and I must say it is a cruel and unusual type of experience. But this scratches that itch that I know is bad for you. Like I can’t get off the nicotine patch. We’re only hurting ourselves, limiting ourselves, not fully allowing ourselves to grow, creating gray space in places that shouldn’t be and I still end up talking about it and complaining about it and being sad about it like it’s a real relationship, hence the spark of this essay.
This is my reminder that I gotta do something after this. So note to self, Asia, and you all: either you date them or you don’t. Creating a false relationship and you still hurt yourself? You might as well have something real.
5. I might love my friendships more than my relationships
When you have no romantic partner you have your friendships and my god, I love my friends. I probably think more about the weight, the bond, the love, and the fragility of my friendships than any person I’ve ever dated or been in a relationship with.
Friendships, especially as I get older, as so hard to find, and maintain and grow but when you have them it is a relationship at the end of the day and it takes two just like a romantic partnership to build. It takes up so much of my time and I enjoy that time.
Remember that your friends will be with you probably after your relationship. Don’t lose them in the process. They will help you know who you are too.
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What are your thoughts on this? Do you agree? Do you want to hear my more ranty unedited side of this take? Read this version! https://medium.com/p/3d14f9a2acd2/edit
