I get more nervous stuttering around you after I disclosed that I stutter.
And I don’t know why
You’d think once you’ve revealed one of the most vulnerable aspects about you that some weight would be lifted off of your shoulders. That you are free of worries. Let go, Asia! The word is out! In some ways, it is a relief.
Until the next stutter comes.
And suddenly, I feel more nervous than when I did before they ever knew.
I can fully admit that I am still in the beginning stages of the acceptance phase. One of the reasons I have placed myself there is because I have not made many new relationships since I really put my foot down on this journey (you know, a pandemic and such), so the opportunities have been limited to say the least.
But I have noticed that I feel and act the same way I did even before I felt comfortable disclosing.
I get scared of stuttering around those who already know.
It’s the “what now?” kind of feeling
You know what I’m talking about — after you’ve confessed something to someone, now you’re both standing there processing the, what happens next/now since finding out this information.
For me, the what now is how they will react further, especially if they don’t have follow up questions:
- Will they always comment on it?
- Will they think of me differently?
- Will they look me weird or turn away?
- Will they be uncomfortable around me?
- Will they not accept me for who I am?
The last one is quintessential. I can disclose to anyone and everyone. But if I want a relationship with that person going forward and decide to let them know, they can always walk away. It is not the first time that has happened. Even though it is not their burden to bear, there is a sense of allyship if we get into a situation and I might be struggling or someone teases me and I don’t say anything. Will they stand up for me? Will they be a bystander? They have no obligation to have to accept that or me.
It is their choice to leave.
So yeah, I do get nervous. And while I shouldn’t care what people think of me, when you see it on their face, when you see that their body language shifts, that they look away or talk over you, it makes you doubt that they’ve accepted you as you are.
