I don’t like when two stutterers don’t acknowledge that we both stutter
This might be the most hypocritical take I have on stuttering to date
As part of my onboarding training, I had to go through a gambit of people to meet from various teams. The last person I spoke to was Charles. It only took about three words until I noticed that Charles had a stutter. I stuttered once or twice as well. Our conversation lasted approximately 27 minutes. None of us mentioned our stutter.
And that made me so mad.
First, you’re probably wondering, “How did you just assume that he was a person who stuttered? Well fellow reader, there is a person who can stutter and another who has a speech impediment. When you have a speech impediment, there are specific ways that people may avoid to stutter. He used the elongation method.
So instead of saying, “when,” someone who has an impediment would say, “wwwwwwwwhen.”
And throughout the conversation, this was his method of choice. Some probably wouldn’t catch it. They’d assume it's a glitch on their end, a wifi connection perhaps. But I could tell his eyes were locked, his breath held in, he was concentrating until he could push the word out.
On-site, I begged that my blank face wouldn’t fail me now, as I concealed my gleeful eye and raised eyebrow in finding such a rare connection. I wanted so badly to say after he was done, “that I couldn’t help but notice that you have a stutter, so do I.”
But then I thought perhaps he needs someone to open up as well. So instead of proclaiming it, I allowed myself to stutter freely.
He seemed unphased by my impediment. Perhaps being vulnerable indirectly was not the method of choice here, but also why not bring it up? Out of all these people you work with and meet online you just so happen to also run across a PWS? That is a connection to be made!
We left the elephant in the room to stay as we both ended the call, knowing the obvious but not stating the facts.
Most days are a Win if I can stutter freely and no one bats an eye. I can’t tell you how enormous the relief feels. But that is rare and so simply existing in a fluent world can oftentimes be filled with anxiety, embarrassment, and disappointment from others.
After a horrific incident when I was 22 regarding the three fears I live with above, I was going to announce to the rest of my team (after being there for over a year) that I have a stutter. When confronting my disabled boss, she said I can do what I want, but remember, I have no obligation to disclose. And she’s right.
For years and even to this day I stand so strongly on not feeling obliged to disclose. But it is when I feel that anxiety come on or when I don’t want ridicule, that the need (not a want), to say something becomes important.
So often I just want to exist in this fluent world without acknowledgment.
But when I meet other stutterers I yearn for that connection, the understanding. The way we can both exhale at the relief of not presenting.
It is so rare, so rare in my life that now when I see it I want to speak up about it and have the understanding that you are not alone,
just because I was so alone for so long.
And I’ve had moments when I had a customer who stuttered and I didn’t say anything. It’s like when two or more black people are in the same room and you’re like “okay well at least there’s one of us in here.” We might not ever talk, but the unspoken allyship is there.
So when I didn’t see Charles relax, talk a little lighter, or more freely, I felt shut down. I felt like he didn’t want to be part of the club.
But I can’t blame him. Some days we just want it to be a day, to be left alone, to not talk about it, because it is only one part of who we are, not all of us, and I don’t have to tell you every part of who I am.
But for a moment, I was so happy to hear someone like me.
Its been months,
It’s been too long.
What do you think? Am I too hypocritical? Is my argument justified? Let me know!
