Having “The Talk” to Someone I Like
This is what makes me nervous
It’s making my heart beat faster thinking about it now. Even though I know eventually it is going to come up whether I mention it or they do, it still gives me so many nerves. The look on their face. Their reaction. How will they respond?
Get your head out of the gutter. It’s not that kind of talk and I should definitely not be one to have to tell them that.
I hate having “The Talk” about my stutter to someone that I have a crush on.
The Talk isn’t just simply disclosing the fact that I have a stutter. You see, if I don’t disclose, then 9 out of 10 times, I will get a reaction. This reaction can be a laugh, or a “what was that” in combination with a laugh. After I respond to said reaction with my disclosure, they might have a follow-up question.
This is where The Talk begins.
Because I have been covert for such a long time, this is a new situation for me. I would say it’s been since 2017. This was when I had my first serious relationship and had to disclose pretty early on that I had a stutter. Back then, I was somewhat fervent on having the stuttering conversation. While I said I was coming into my acceptance, my attitude and body language revealed the opposite, and so anything more than the follow-up was a threat to invite further questions.
When you like someone, you want them to see what you want them to see. Actions are pre-mediated. Words are scripted. Flirts are strategized. You reveal yourself in layers, and even then that may be intentional unraveling.
Having a stutter, however, where communication is at the forefront besides your appearance, should be a non-negotiable for revealing sooner rather than later right?
My covert side of me however is still persistent.
Every time I end an interaction, unscathed by the possible disfluency of my words, I tell myself I can hold off until another interaction arises. Like a checkpoint in a race, if I can just hold off the conversation until the next one, I am good, right?
I have found that there is so much vulnerability still that I harbor in revealing something that feels incredibly personal, yet obviously visible.
And so I wait.
My nerves do not fail to leave me, but the way that I have The Talk has evolved.
Two nights ago while I was speaking to someone I am interested in, the word “berry” was shut behind the walls of my lips. There was no way I could avoid the word and I refused to “act dumb” so he could try to figure out what I was trying to say.
So I let out the stutter
the reaction was instantaneous
and the conversation began.
My face was calm and matter-of-fact. His questions did not rile me. My answers were composed. It was as if God was guiding me through this discussion. I had no idea I was capable of speaking my truth with such grace and attitude. And when all of his whys and how comes were exhausted, I tried to leave him reassured. Reassured that he should not feel guilty or scared to ask more if need be.
I have grown in many ways.
And I still have a lot more to do.
The nerves might not ever go away,
but how I react to it matters more to me.
