Finding Your Place in the World
Today was the first day in my life that I did not dread coming home.
When I left for college, coming home was always such a fickle thing for me. It felt like I was restricted. Like I was a child again. That I lost the sense of personality and identity that I gained when I left, and resorted back to attitudes and behaviors from how I grew up. I also just didn’t like where I lived. I didn’t care for Los Angeles. It just reminded me of a past I did not want to remember always driving by and it never felt like a space where I can truly be myself. And maybe that is because I grew up here. And so that feeling of whenever I would cross the Grapevine or touched down at Burbank airport, was always the same. I couldn’t wait to leave again.
That was until the pandemic happened.
There were a lot of growing pains living back home again, and I will say that it’s not something that I would do for longer than I had to, but after a while, I did get adjusted. And not only was I adjusting, but eventually I was comfortable. I was comfortable in the space that I was in. I was comfortable in the relationship that I had with my father. I was comfortable with the people that I surround myself with, and for once I looked at Los Angeles in a different light than just the place that I grew up in.
So when I touched down into LAX after being in New York for a little over 12 days, I felt weird. I still currently feel weird, as it is happening to me in this very moment.
I feel weird because I don’t have a sense of longing to come back here, but neither do I have a feeling of dread being back here. Instead I realized what the city does not give me,
being alive.
Perhaps it might come if I go live in a different part of the county. Maybe I have to live downtown or in Hollywood, but right now I don’t get that sense of aliveness as I did when I was in New York.
When people say that the city is alive, they mean it. It is entirely true. It makes me feel like I’m a part of something. It makes me feel insignificant. It makes me feel like I can do anything.
And so while I lounge in Los Angeles for a mere 36 hours, I’m going to think about whether this is a space where I can be in the future.
But for now I’m truly glad that I have no ill will of where I first started. Not anymore.
But I sure do love not having any humidity!
