Did My Stutter Make Me an Introvert?
This realization just hit me like a 16 wheeler
My therapist asked me once, as I was rambling on about my social behaviors growing up versus now if my stutter had to do with how I interact with others. I said no probably way too quickly before giving myself some time to think about it. I did reconsider, but I ended up saying that my stutter and sociability were mostly mutually exclusive.
That conversation was four months ago.
As I sit here thinking of my personality the past month, I do not believe I was as truthful with myself as I thought.
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I wrote a blog several months ago talking about how stuttering and my personality were mutually exclusive. That in fact, I was always a shy person growing up regardless of my stutter, and in recent years I became more of an ambivert (a mix between introvert and extrovert) over time. I said this because I found it to be true. In class, I kept my head down and was labeled as a good student. Around my peers, I was vocal, playful, insatiable almost. When teachers would see me outside of class, they’d be surprised at my shift in character. And when my social battery would run out, I would recoup alone and found contentment to be with myself.
Fast forward to my freshmen year of High School. It is the first quarter of the semester. None of us really know each other. I’m sitting next to my friend Jessica who only just recently found out about my stutter. We are reading as a class, popcorn style. Popcorn style is essentially where a person will begin reading and go on for as long as they’d like before choosing someone else. The activity would always give me neverending anxiety. Someone calls on me and I swallow hard.
I read like a water spout straining to get a steady stream. My stutter is about a 3.5 earthquake on the seismic scale. When I finally finish the single paragraph, I call on someone else and keep my head down. The air between the end of my sentence and when I call on someone else is dense. My heart is pounding in my ears. I am sweating. My body is shaking. I fight back the tears in my eyes. I leave to go to the bathroom as soon as the bell rings and Jessica asks me if I’m okay even though we both know that I’m not.
While I may be a boss in the streets, I realize that my biggest introverted tendencies were as a student. Having this realization now as I write brings tears to my eyes. I don’t know how I made it through school sometimes. The sheer anxiety for 22 years of my life walking through those classroom doors wondering if in this next hour I would make it out unscathed brought me so much pain for so long. The way that I would stay up at night thinking about a presentation I’d have to deliver. The way that I would dread reading out loud in class. I would keep track of how many times I’d speak in class that week because my participation could jeopardize my A. And on so many occasions throughout my life it almost did.
Teachers would ask why my participation is so low even though I do so well in class. And I never told them why.
Not one teacher.
For some, it wouldn’t have mattered. Assignments are assignments. Everyone must be treated the same and I understood that. I was looking for an easy out. But it was when they asked about my lack of speaking in class is when I never said why. I don’t know why I didn’t. Did I think they’d be concerned? Did I think would look at me differently? What was I afraid of to be vulnerable?
I’m crying as I write this right now because of the amount of fear I felt for so long being a student. How much my stutter made me an introvert as a student. I am also crying because I got through that. My stutter is not nearly as severe as others, but I still had a very hard time and I got through that.
I am so proud of you Asia, because I know how hard that was for you, for so long. And while you don’t know whether speaking up on it or discussing it with your teachers might have made it easier, you overcame that obstacle. It was not easy. You did presentations, you performed in drama productions, you said your spoken word. You knew you would get through it and you did.
Now for the rest of it.
