are you keeping a track record of when I don’t stutter?
and congratulating me for it?
It's the “How Many Days Has it Been Since the Last Incident” of it all.
I believe it’s the ableist and neurotypical people that tend to point out the victories whenever you appear to be acting “normal” for a person that faces an everyday ~challenge~ (to put it as loosely as possible) in their life. For me, I would compare it to a microaggression of sorts. On the surface, it is not supposed to be seen as with mal intent. It is their ignorance that reveals that it is in fact an attack on your identity. So something like when people say, “Oh you went to UC Berkeley? That is such a hard school to get into!” really translates to: “How did a black woman get into such a hard school without some kind of leverage. It can’t be because she’s smart.” That’s how I feel when I hear people tell me: “But I haven’t heard you stutter once so far!”
What is that supposed to mean?
My family would always track my stutter to figure out what I had to do in the future to be more fluent
If my mom and I had a conversation in the kitchen and it was over she would say, “Did you notice that?”
“Notice what?”
Mom: “You didn’t stutter once!”
“Okay?”
Mom: “Well do you remember how you were feeling just now? Man, I wonder why that is. Maybe it was because you seemed calm and relaxed. You should try that more often.”
I knew it was always with good intention. Growing up, fluency was the goal.
My other family members would point that out as well, whether it be on the phone, or during family gatherings. If I didn’t stutter, a celebration would be had, as if all this hard work of being fluent was progressing. That I was on the right track.
But I would feel watched
Every conversation was an examination.
When people congratulate on how long it's been since your last stutter
at first, it feels like a false sense of security. If you grew up with the goal of fluency, you believed that things were in fact getting better.
Personally, it made me more upset. After that wave of false security was realized, you realize how much work you might have done to not have stuttered. That you were word switching, omitting, or just completely shutting down and moving on.
But even worse, you feel like that part of your identity, who you are, is not seen.
Because we live in a world where normal is the only way. And so each time it was celebrated I was on the path to becoming more fluent, to be more normal. We don’t want to see flaws, the disablism or the wavering mental state, or neurodivergent persons.
So let’s clear something up
When I stutter, I stutter. When I don’t, I don’t. I will have good fluency days. I will have bad ones. That is all a part of me.
I know I am capable. I know that I am strong. I know that I am a person who stutters.
Take me as I am.
Do not congratulate the moments when you think I am you.
